"The things I've seen man...": Flushed ARQ goldfish struggles to adjust to life in the ocean

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"I hope a turtle eats me."

Former ARQ fishtank resident, Swimmy, is reportedly a "broken shell of a fish" after spending most of his life watching the venue's patrons revel in being the definition of trash.

Following management finally cleaning out the kitchy source of decor, Swimmy and all of his traumatized friends were flushed down the loo - a fate usually reserved for Red Bull-laden urine and fibre-rich stools.

Unfortunately for Swimmy, he survived the ordeal, and has since been wading through Sydney Harbour in whatever direction the current is moving with little will to live.

"I hope a turtle eats me" says Swimmy. "Then I would finally be able to rid my head of the godawful groping and regrettably sloppy dance moves that lie within."

Sean Corcoran