"Sydney is too small" says slut in denial

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"It's the town's fault I'm the town bike."

Will, a local man whose 'little black book' is the size of a truck, has this week tried to pass off his own whorish behaviour as a symptom of living in Sydney.

Completely ignoring the fact that our city has a population of 5 million people, Will has declared that it's simply "too small" and that he can barely turn around without ending up inside someone that wasn't at that New Years party he went to one time.

Even if you minus the straight men, women and few lamp posts that Will wouldn't throw himself at, that's still a few hundred thousand citizens left - but Will won't hear a word of it.

"IT'S TINY!" he says. "Doesn't everyone find that they can barely have an 8-person orgy without having slept with at least 10 of them already?"

"And it's even worse online! I've blocked everyone I've slept with on Grindr, and now my nearest user is this guy Boris, all the way in Russia! TINY I TELLS YA!"

We fact-checked this, and Boris is in fact on the International Space Station.

Sean Corcoran