REPORT: Gays love a plant

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“That plant is gorgeous. Like, gorgy gor.”

A new report undertaken by local Chinese professor, Dr Feng Shui, has revealed that gay men indeed love a plant.

"There is no rhyme or reason to it," says Dr Shui. "They just love them. Especially indoor ones. In fact, on a good day, a beautiful fern in the corner of a home will set off a homosexual like they've just seen Dannii Minogue next to them at La Buvette. And if it's in some cute pot? Step the fuck back. We're talking both Minogues."

The report also revealed that sturdy cactuses with "#palmspringsvibes" perform especially well, but unwatered, flaccid-looking plants are less adored.

Sean Corcoran