Keen queen secures his spot in Stonewall's cage as soon as the doors open

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"FUCKING YES BITCH."

Freshly legal twinkeroo, Shane, has really got ahead of himself this Saturday night by staking out a spot in Stonewall's cage from 12pm.

Yes, midday.

Not content with leaving it up to an unspoken honesty policy of one or two song rotations, Shane has given up a good portion of his weekend to guarantee sufficient slutdrop space in the much revered enclosure.

"I've waited my whole life for this," says Shane. "The calibre of performance these club-goers are going to witness is going to be so uninspired, so basic and so dick-softening that everyone will think they can do better, and try to oust me from my spot. But I won't let them. Oh no. I'm going to swing my unco feet between the bars with such gracelessness that people will be too afraid to even try getting inside."

Our interview with Shane stopped there as his cage-service hot dog from Dick's Diner had just arrived.

Sean Corcoran