Groundbreaking study finds douches are actually sentient beings

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"Well this is awkward."

The gay community has been thrown an ethical dilemma this week after scientists made the incredible discovery that douches are in fact living and breathing creatures, likely with a soul and moral compass. Some can even tell knock-knock jokes.

Despite the morbid and frankly gross life douches have led up until this point, mostly thanks to gay men having an aversion to carbohydrates, scientists are skeptical about a change in behaviour.

"Whilst this news is unlikely to alter the gay community's use of douches," said one researcher, "we can all agree that it's at least very unfortunate. For the douches."

We approached the uniquely plastic species for comment:

"Kill us. Please just kill us."

Sean Corcoran