Clubgoers leave Palms DJ in critical condition after playing current top 40 track

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"Dua Lipa THIS!"

Resident Palms disc-spinner, DJ Tommy Two-Track, has been left hospitalised after being mauled by a large group of 40-something poofters wearing jeans and a t-shirt mid-way through his Friday night set.

The incident began following Tommy strangely cueing up Dua Lipa's 'One Kiss', having previously been switching between 'Better The Devil You Know' and '5,6,7,8' all night.

"It was insane", said one of the eye-witness bartenders. "One minute fully grown men are clicking their heels with rainbows in their eyes, and the next there's a herd of bloodthirsty Gollums making a beeline for the DJ booth."

Police managed to arrest most of the patrons involved; with all of them opting to sing their police statement in unison: "He had it comin! He had it comin! He only haaaad himself to blaaaame!"

Sean Corcoran